Resilience - Innate or learned?

CONTACT: merrill@myhealingprogram.com

Wikipedia defines psychological resilience as the ability to mentally or emotionally cope with a crisis or to return to pre-crisis status quickly."

The American Psychological Association (APA) psychologists define resilience as “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant sources of stress—such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors.”

We consistently hear incredible stories of people’s resilience in facing tragic losses of loved ones, dealing with job losses, business closures, dire poverty, war, illness, and other life experiences that cause us despair.

Have you ever considered what factor enables some to weather the storms of life better than others? Why do some become desperate to the point of suicide, whereas others make their way more effectively through

the mire of sadness, darkness and lack, as though protected by an invisible, impenetrable, steel armour?

It is widely accepted the critical factor is resilience, which fits the definitions provided above, so, what creates resilience within us?

Is it a character trait, an innate quality we are born with, or can it be learned? Your thoughts on this?

Is it our mental defences or emotional barriers we develop in response to hurts, challenges and disappointments? If so, what makes children so emotionally strong that they often cope better than their older siblings or parents? Are they 'immune' to the disasters surrounding them, or is it their lack of understanding of the gravity of what is happening around them? Is it something deeper - something ingrained in humanity - the will or 'instinct' to survive?

Many of the answers we seek will, unfortunately, remain a mystery because young children struggle to verbalise their thoughts and experiences, whilst many older people who are super resilient do not always know why. Let’s explore possible reasons....

It is widely accepted the critical factor is resilience, which fits the definitions provided above, so, what creates resilience within us?

Is it a character trait, an innate quality we are born with, or can it be learned? Your thoughts on this?

It is usually assumed those with greater resilience must have endured many hardships, creating within them a ‘toughness’ of character. Others believe it’s those who have had fairly uneventful lives who prove to be the most resilient, not yet worn down by past hurts.

As life happened to me, losing loved ones, experiencing some of the ugliness in the world, my ever-optimistic demeanour changed to one of clouded judgment, acrimony and cynicism. I no longer saw anything through rose-tinted glasses. I now saw 'life' in its 'raw' state, dirty, evil, threatening....it took many years before I allowed myself to see the beauty in anything.

We cannot force negative events on people, nor make their lives unbearably hard to try and develop resilience within them, so are some just more resilient by nature, than others?

It comes down to life skills and managing expectations. This ties in with the statement above from the American Psychological Association: “As much as resilience involves “bouncing back” from these difficult experiences, it can also involve profound personal growth.”

How are we taught to become independent, to have the courage to do things on our own, to face our fears head-on instead of cowering behind a wall? At what age must we start taking on responsibility, not to burden us, but to make us self-sufficient?

The privilege of having lifeblood coursing through our veins should surpass all other resultant emotions from pain. Are suffering, loss, pain, grief and sadness not part of being human? How many of us practically teach our children about these at an early age? Some people tell them ridiculous tales because they don’t know how to explain death or loss to them, or they think the child won’t understand.

Children can deal with and understand a lot more than many parents give them credit for, and they should hear this from the people they trust the most, their parents.

When expectations are unrealistic, is that not when disappointment and sadness creep in?

If our expectations are properly managed as we mature, is that not how we learn to realise life is wonderful, no matter what is happening to us. Should we not be taught by our teens at the latest, that “life is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re going to get”, as Forrest Gump’s mama used to say?

We should learn at a young age that emotion is what makes us the beautiful human beings we are – that means, all emotions, the negative and the positive, we don’t have exclusive rights to one or the other.

The sooner we learn to strengthen our resolve, putting on the emotional armour for the tough times, but allowing the gentleness, and the peace through, when times are good!

Much love,

Merrill

For coaching on this, or any other life skill, complete the contact form below, or reach out to us at merrill@myhealingprogram.com / +27 79 520 4489

Hi, I’m Merrill…

People who have never experienced trauma, PTSD, sexual or other abuse, narcissistic people, backstabbing, humiliation, degradation, or worse, especially if over a lengthy duration, are not able to relate to others going through similar experiences.

I have experienced all of these, and am still standing. I have worked through it all, mentally and emotionally, and have healed.

This healing does not mean I don't, or can't talk about what I have gone through - just the opposite....I talk openly and use what I learned from those experiences to make myself stronger.

I am capable of dealing with situations that may arise in my life far more productively, with a focus on using any negative incident to build further resilience through lessons learned.

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